30 Rookie Lesbian Dating Mistakes I Made Before 30 | GO Mag

I’ll most likely never forget the first classic lesbian blunder We ever made. I became puffing on a cigarette away from a lesbian pub, appearing all bleary-eyed and angst-ridden whenever an older dyke, most likely about fifteen years my personal senior, emerged sauntering on up to myself.

“what’s-her-name?” She requested me, leaning up against the graffitied concrete wall surface, taking a much lighter out of the woman back pocket like some form of 1940s swashbuckler.


“Oh, honey.” The secret lesbian stated. “its clear you are disappointed about a lady.” She appeared me personally long and difficult for the vision and dramatically lifted the woman bushy left eyebrow. “i am aware that appearance.”

I stamped on my personal smoke. “its that obvious?” I squeaked.

She lit her tobacco cigarette and sucked back once again a superb drag of smoking. “Yes.”

We sighed. “Great. None of my friends will speak to me personally because I drunkenly installed with certainly one of their particular exes.” We gazed into my dirty Converse sneakers thinking how hell they had gotten so filthy.

Had I blacked around and eliminated climbing?

a slow look stretched by itself across the puzzle lesbian’s weathered-looking face. “Rookie error.”

“Really don’t see just what the big deal is! they are split up for just two f*cking decades!” We almost spat.

“Hunt, kiddo. Never shit for which you eat.” And merely like that, she had been eliminated. I could hear her chuckling to by herself as she cheerfully waddled into the club, making us to stew from inside the stressed sweats of my personal “rookie blunder.”

That may were the first novice error we made when it found the mysterious underworld of lesbian love and intercourse, but let me assure you, it certainly wasn’t the final. I don’t know about yourself queers, it took me quite a few years to understand the complicated regulations in the ever-complicated girl-on-girl matchmaking world.

Listed below are 30 newbie errors we made, that I finally quit producing by the point I hit 30 and became the experienced lesbian i’m nowadays. (Though we *might* possess periodic slip-up, but shh).

Oh, and baby gays, kindly study on my errors. We place my self beneath the bus making me an un-dateable, red-flag-waving lesbian so you’re able to have a better dating existence than I ever before performed.

1. getting emotions for a lady with a boyfriend.

This only leads to a smashed cardiovascular system, a life-long distaste for several heterosexual-man-kind, and epic dissatisfaction. I made this error in highschool and I’m convinced it screwed me personally right up for lifetime.

PSA: Ladies, women, females. Dont be seduced by a woman with a boyfriend. You’ll receive your self into all sorts of difficulty. At the very least wait until when they break-up and she’s yes she desires do more than simply “practice kissing” to you.

2. Hooking-up with a friend’s ex.

The older lesbian buddy that laughed at myself throughout that life-changing night within bar was appropriate. “cannot shit where you consume, kiddo.”

Honestly, “kiddo,” don’t get it done. I’m sure it feels as though there are only ten appealing lesbians in your city and nine of these have actually dated one of the pals, but sometimes score usually the one lesbian havingn’t, or date away from your city.

Hell hath no fury like a lesbian scorned by certainly one of her Sapphic friends. That grudge will last a lifetime.

3. setting up with a buddy of a buddy’s ex.

I really don’t proper care when the woman you prefer is a friend of a pal of a friend of a friend of a pal. If she actually is by any means tethered to a dyke you care about, remain much, a distance.

Our company is a strong lesbian tribe. Upset among all of us, upset most of us, baby.

(i am aware, I know. It sucks. This is why i favor currently long-distance; there is not local baggage to strain over.)

4. Trusting a f*ckboi.

If she appears like a Shane, talks like a Shane, and walks like a Shane, chances are high she actually is a Shane.

5. Assuming that because she’s a woman, it is impossible for her are a f*ckboi


Really don’t care if she is a butch, a femme, a stem, a stud, a lipstick lesbian, a mascara lesbian or a chapstick lesbian—just because she’s a self-identified girl doesn’t mean she cannot be a f*ckboi. F*ckbois enter all forms, dimensions, and styles.

6. setting up with a bartender of my favorite club.

It’s going to fall apart acquire uncomfortable therefore, my personal sweet darling, will not be capable enter your favorite bar once more, without needing to A) pop a Xanax (that will be an awful concept in case you are consuming) or B) grab three tequila shots (that will be a terrible concept typically).

7. U-Hauling.

I guaranteed me i might not be the lesbian just who u-hauled until I was the lesbian who u-hauled. I am just the lesbian who has got officially never ever lasted a lease.

8. finalizing leases against my personal better judgment.

Talking about leases, the number of times i have dutifully finalized that godforsaken dotted range when my personal instincts were shouting “You shouldn’t do it! This bitch is outrageous!” is actually regrettable, as you would expect.

9. dressed in my sweetheart’s leggings.

“are you currently putting on my personal leggings?!” My sweetheart mouthed in my experience after participating late to a yoga class. I found myself in downward dog attempting to focus myself personally. “what is the issue?” We mouthed right back.

“we cannot share leggings! It’s unsexy!” She stated aloud, startling the Republican girl sleeping in young child’s present to her left.

Truth be told, she’s correct. Discussing leggings may be the portal medicine to peeing with the home available. Therefore know, any time you pee making use of the doorway available facing your own gf, a lesbian angel loses the woman wings.

10. Putting on my personal girlfriend’s denim jeans (without asking).

When you start getting in problems for sporting your girl’s $300 fashion designer trousers without inquiring, you’re approaching sister position. Your own gf will scream at you love you are this lady frustrating little sis who steals most of the woman great shit. Of course


god forbid


someone happens to check better than she really does within her denim jeans, really, soon she’ll start thinking of you as the lady annoying little sister exactly who takes all the woman great crap. There’s nothing sensuous about your girl associating you with the woman more youthful brother.

It’s a surefire method to not have intercourse again.

11. utilizing my gf’s toothbrush.

When you start sharing a toothbrush, you lose the identity completely. Before you know it you’ll become among those weird lesbian partners with morphed inside same individual. Keep your own individuality, and make use of your own toothbrush, kindly and many thanks.

12. Flirting using my ex-girlfriend’s buddies.

It really is a cheap adventure, but believe me. It really is awful karma.

13. Telling my personal girlfriend that the woman buddy was actually flirting with me.

If your girl’s friend is discreetly flirting with you, merely pretend she’s being very friendly rather than, ever before drunkenly tell your girl.

If you don’t desire to be on middle on the lesbian crisis, this is certainly. Which, yes, tends to be fun for five moments, but easily turns out to be, uh, terrifying…

14. Switching my girl’s design.

Should you decide inform your gf she looks sexier in blazers than she really does in board shorts, she will resent you for the remainder of your union.

Merely keep your lips closed and take the girl the board-short-sporting lesbian that she is, OR find a traditional blazer-wearing sweetheart. Because keep in mind: it’s not possible to switch panel short pants into a blazer, it doesn’t matter how frustrating you try.

(you could, for record, change a housewife into a ho).

15. creating articles about being an insane girlfriend online.

Not only have I composed articles describing just what a crazy bitch i’m, but i have been pissed-off whenever ladies i am newly dating assume I’m an insane bitch. “Well, didn’t you write on it on the net?” They’re going to ask.



. Touch



16. Pretending to understand what lesbian intercourse ended up being when I had no idea.

“needless to say i understand what lesbian sex is actually. It’s whenever um, you know. Like, when a woman will get along with a girl…”

17. Pretending we understood how exactly to scissor whenever I didn’t come with hint.

“i enjoy scissoring!” I yelped at age 16 when I believed scissoring created performing arts and crafts together.

18. separating with my sweetheart once we had been both on the periods.

Cannot make abrupt decisions when you’re both hemorrhaging.

19. becoming wildly jealous and possessive toward my personal gf at any time another makeup lesbian/femme type joined the room.

In the event the gf could flirt, she is going to flirt. Acting like a deranged, hyper-jealous head case is not going to stop anybody from performing anything. Indeed, it is going to only aggravate her desire.

20. Flirting with feminine police, TSA agencies, protection protections, alongside women in consistent because I thought they certainly were gay.

I lust after a lady in an uniform, but unfortunately never assume all women in uniforms lust after me.


Everyone loves those lengthy, pointy Lana Del Rey nails. However, my ex-girlfriend couldn’t value them once I tried penetration with those tough talons.

Oh, the sacrifices all of us fashion lezzies must lead to sex! Luckily orgasms feel better than acrylic fingernails taste.

22. Faking a climax.

You could be capable fake sexual climaxes with guys, however cannot fool a gender, honey. Discovered that one the hard way.

23. non-safe sex, because, you understand, “lesbians cannot get STIs.”

I am amazed I managed to get off my slutty period (We say “slut” in a motivated means! Don’t get worried!) without catching every STI under the sun.

I didn’t even know what a dental care dam had been while I was 21. I was thinking it actually was one thing they caught inside lips during the dentist. And that I hate the dental practitioner.

24. Playing to the “helpless femme” stereotype.

Just because culture associates femininity with weakness does not mean I have to have fun with the part. Screw that. We put on loads of mascara, look great in pale red, and may rescue myself from almost any problem.

25. Falling crazy while lost at lesbian parties.

“Owen, i am in love” I when slurred to my companion during the now-defunct Williamsburg gay bar “Sugarland.” The following morning we woke using my heart beating and my personal lips as dry as the Sahara wilderness.

I found myself abruptly flooded with uncomfortable memories of pronouncing my love to a lady whose name or face I could perhaps not remember. For the following year, I stayed in incessant concern about operating into this girl once again.


26. Calling my sweetheart my personal ex-girlfriend’s name.

Though used to do discover a powerful way to get out of this. In the event that you call your girlfriend your ex-girlfriend’s name, just repeat the following:

“Oh babe, i am extremely sorry. I labeled as you the woman title because I associate the girl with stress and I also’m stressed at this time! You never stress me personally away, which is the reason why it feels international to state your gorgeous name while I feel pressured.” Works like a charm.

“Only a lesbian could imagine that,” my good friend Kevin considered me personally whenever I informed him the way I got away from phoning my personal girlfriend an inappropriate title. He isn’t incorrect.

27. Thinking I had a “type.”

We accustomed believe that We enjoyed ladies with short hair who have been bigger than myself. Today I understand I do not discriminate.

Butch, femme, base, large, short


I really like all types of lesbians (just like the French would state,


). Purr.

28. Playing hard to get.

We accustomed consider basically blew off a date or did not text the lady We lusted over back, she’d just like me a lot more. I then discovered that that game does not work properly with women (at the least maybe not self-confident, mentally-stable women). It really tends to make the girl genuinely believe that you’re a manipulative small twerp, and she does not have time regarding, OK?

29. sliding up and telling a female in the very first Tinder time I experienced already looked at the woman Instagram.

“Oh, yeah, your own cat, Fred! He’s soooo cute.”

“how can you understand You will find a pet known as Fred?”

Crickets. Crickets. And crickets.

30. Thinking the very first lady I ever dated had been the passion for my life and therefore would we never conquer the lady.

The most important lesbian slice is the greatest, but we promise you, my heartbroken infant lesbians, you are not designed to find yourself with the most important girl you date. In reality, you mustn’t have initial woman you date. Your feelings are too of strike, the limits are way too large. Plus, being understand what you truly fancy, you should get in there and big date as many various girls as you possibly can.

Therefore dry those rips, hottie. You will get over their. We big-sister-lesbian guarantee.